After spending 2+ hours on the computer, I sit here peering bleerily at the screen and wonder why I'm still writing, but also enjoying it and willing my thoughts to come and appear on the screen (by using my fingers of course). [and yes, I know that was a run-on sentence] I hate whenever I have so much to write that I don't know what to leave in and what to leave out, and then I end up just forgetting it altogether because it's too complicated. But...my heart has been gripped by a lot of things lately, so I think I'll share something brief with you.

This is something I wrote a few weeks ago after doing a Bible Study at the jail. Referring to the ladies there in the jail: "Their stories haunt me in a way. Each of them had a unique story..."pain" keeps coming into my mind...so much pain....One lady, especially, haunts me..."I can't smarten up for my daughter's sake anymore; I have to do it for me...I have to be able to be me." It gripped me, because it's so true. There's a longing deep within each one of us...I want to be worth living, no matter if I'm a bad mom, a crazy crack head or a lonely prostitute. Or...even if I always do the right things and am always good. She can't do it just for her daughter anymore, because she doesn't even know if she'll ever see her daughter again. She knows that she won't ever see her again unless she stays clean. She can't help her daughter until she finds help for herself. So true. The beauty of it is that God uses us as we travel on our journey...and even before we've really learned to do anything very well, He uses us. We help people. We are humbled. And God is glorified. Yes, it's true...we need to do it for our own sake sometimes, or we'll never make it. Helping others isn't helping ourselves. We can't ignore our own issues. It's easy, sometimes, to focus on others' "bigger" issues...to just let ours stay hidden..."out of sight, out of mind". But the problem with that is that our own pain does surface in some way and, unless we've dealt with it, will destroy us and very possibly the people around us."

I'll leave you with that....may you find that Jesus is always faithful.

"I cried to the LORD with my voice, and He heard me from His holy hill."

"But He, being full of compassion, forgave their iniquity, and did not destroy them. Yes, many a time He turned His anger away, and did not stir up all His wrath; for He remembered that they were but flesh, a breath that passes away and does not come again..."

About a month ago I decided that I really was ready for fall...ready to pull on the cozy sweatshirts and warm socks. I reveled in the crunch of the leaves on the sidewalk, the crisp air and the vibrant yellow of the trees on the hillsides. When I wanted to relax, the idea of going to Chippewa to swim or read on the beach was replaced by sitting in Chapters with a good book and a cup of caramel apple cider. We celebrated Thanksgiving, and I made a list of gifts from God for which I am thankful. My birthday was a beautiful day, both in weather and atmosphere. Phone calls from my family members and even from my dear Swiss friend...dinner...candles...dessert...mini golf...ah...yes, it was lovely. I was blessed.

And now we're kind of in that in-between stage; it's still fall, but it's getting colder and colder...all the brightly colored leaves are gone, leaving the bare, brown branches to wait until they are draped in glistening white snow. The rain is slowly drizzling onto the windows, while fog creeps in and hides the mountain from our view.

Sometimes...I wonder if there is any hope for our world. I know that Jesus always offers hope and peace, but...so many people hardly even acknowledge He exists, let alone stopping whatever they're doing to consider letting Him into their lives. It can be discouraging. I find myself drooping under the weight of so many problems and issues...and I wonder if this is how Jesus meant for me to live. Because I'm human...I have good days and bad days...some weeks are nice and fun...some are just plain hard the whole way through. And I remember that Jesus also faced discouragement. I look at different circumstances and wonder why God allows them to happen. Like, why did God send Jacob and his family to Egypt to save them from the famine, when He knew that 400 years later they would be slaves in that same country? Why do some people have effortlessly good lives while others try so hard, and still face calamity after calamity? I've wrestled with these questions because I know that pat answers just won't cut it. I won't attempt to answer them here...I'm just verbalizing some of my own inner questions.

But...there have been instances when I'm reminded that the world isn't completely hopeless, and that there are some nice, well-meaning people out there. Like the sweet girl at the high school who helped us find the gym when we didn't know where to go...the man walking down the sidewalk, whistling as he went...and the kind person who let me in their lane ahead of them amidst the busy traffic.

And so I question, I long, I lament...because I know that my Jesus wants to know me deeply, and that includes verbalizing the pain as well as the joy. He really is amazing, because He stays right with me even when I ignore Him and decide to do things on my own. *sigh* It seems that I will never learn. But I cannot live without Him...I cannot even accomplish the best without Him inside of me, speaking through me, loving through me. I do want to praise Him with my whole life...maybe this is me reminding myself of that fact.

I didn't really know what all I would write when I started typing this, but I think I will stop for now.

"...In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now...
Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven.
Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For You are holy...
Breath of Heaven......"

“To laugh is to risk appearing the fool. To weep is to risk appearing sentimental. To reach out to another is to risk involvement and being used. To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self. To place your ideas, your dreams, before a crowd is to risk their loss. To love is to risk not being loved in return. To live is to risk dying. To hope is to risk failure. But risk must be taken because the greatest risk in life is to risk nothing. If you risk nothing and do nothing, you dull your spirit. You may avoid sorrow and suffering, but you cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love and live. Chained by your attitude, you are a slave. You have forfeited your freedom. Only if you risk are you free!”

::Girls Camp 2008::

what precious, amazing girls...i miss them so much...